Publishing vs. Exiling my "Prodigal Selves"

I'd like to share a poem with you. But first a story.

As I was recently getting ready to announce my new (and first) book of poetry, "Prodigal Selves," I felt remarkably insecure and needy. All of a sudden I was in 9th grade again: desperately seeking security and affirmation, scared of being judged/seen/unseen/bullied, unknowingly hoping someone else would validate my whole existence.

"Present-Day Me" wanted to exile this insecure part of myself. Ugh, I didn't want to feel this fear and self-doubt again! (#GoAway) But after all these years, these feelings still come back. At the moment, I was thankfully with a trusted support who slowed me down as I threatened to shut this part of me off. Though I had an initial "allergic" reaction to sitting with this insecure part of me, I was then able to feel into and embody this place and let it speak.

Then something changed: feeling into the fear allowed me to support and welcome these old insecurities, to ensure myself that I have my own back, and remind myself that I am not alone. I could acknowledge the courage of showing up to reveal more of myself now, even though I've sometimes been hurt when I have revealed myself in the past (as my 9th grade self hasn't forgotten).

After publishing a book of poetry about welcoming "all of me from every day," I freely admit: I still struggle to do so. It is a living journey. And it is a journey that gives me more of my own life. It is sometimes: hard/easy/scary/delightful/all-of-the-above/none-of-the-above. It inspired this new book of poems. And here's the first one:

prodigal selves

i welcome you

i welcome you all

all of me from every day

every day of pain

and confusion

every day of curiosity

pleasure

love

and enrapturement

every day of hatred

greed

recklessness

and rage

i welcome you from every day there ever was

every day that is today

and every day that ever there will be

open arms

no questions asked

no rationale required

i am here

infinitely

for you

all of me from every single day

there is room

for us all

*Prodigal Selves: Poems is available on amazon.com and www.jeremyfulwiler.com